Questioning my faith in my faith.
by philter
I am sitting here at home watching Coachella broadcast live via YouTube and thinking about my day. Today at church was a beautiful, yet very hard time for me. It was beautiful because it was Palm Sunday, a day where we remember Jesus coming into Jerusalem as prophesied and being worshipped by the people. It was also beautiful because Emma and Abby’s class did a song in front of the church. i sat there and watched my little girls jumping, laughing, singing and having an amazing time worshipping Jesus.
At the same time, it was a hard morning for me. Why? Because as we celebrated and worshipped Jesus I sat there and questioned my faith. Not my faith in Jesus, but my faith in my faith in Jesus. I don’t even know if I should be writing this here. I mean I am a Christian, a missionary with YWAM and co-founder of Steps of Justice. Well, it’s out there now, might as well keep going 
I guess I just wonder what happened to me. I mean, did I grow up? Did I loose my innocent, childlike, uninhibited faith and desire to worship Jesus? I remember that as a kid, and even as a young adult I just went for it in worship and in my faith. It seems the older I get the more tainted I am, the more concerned I get about looking foolish.
Amy and I were talking to our good friend Chris about this time when I was with YWAM in Seattle. One day during worship I felt like I was supposed to go and play the drums. Now I don’t play drums and I never have, but I felt Jesus saying “go.” I walked up to my friend Rusty and told him what I felt Jesus saying and he just started laughing and told me to go for it. So, I shuffled my way to the front of the room and started playing drums. Was it good? No. Was it good for me and for the rest of the school and staff to see me walk in obedience to God, even if it meant I looked foolish? Yes.
Here is the thing, I wonder if Jesus spoke to me now about doing something that was outside of my comfort would I do it? My guess is no. Maybe that’s why Jesus doesn’t ask me to do stuff like that anymore, cause He knows I would say no. The thing is, a part of me wants to say yes, a very scared part of me.
I am done being luke warm. I am done being scared. I want to and am striving to be someone who lives their lives out of a faith, belief and total trust in Jesus. I find myself being embarrassed or even hesitant to talk about my faith, or life in Jesus. The more hesitant I am, the less passionate I am and the less passionate I am the more I question my faith in my faith in Jesus.
Things are going to change, things have already stated to change. Me writing about this and admitting it is a step.
Photo by The Dif
Wow dude. I love it and am scared by it at the same time. For some reason adding the 3rd kid to the flock has made me way WAY to aware that I need to measure “what I do” against this concept that I’m supposed to provide for 3 kids… like forever. Jesus and I have been talking about two realities wrapped up in that.
First, no… I don’t have to provide for them. I’m not their provider, he is. I’m not supposed to run around and be a fool or anything to get myself in trouble. But that’s not for me to worry about.
Second, I’ve been having these thoughts about church life and thinking… am I just playing church or is this as good as it gets and I just need to get over some crazy notion that it’s supposed to be something else?
I guess I’m sharing this because you’re my friend and you just poured out your heart. You need to know you’re a good kind of dangerous. But you aren’t crazy. Crazy would be to hear God’s voice and do nothing.
I do believe I am a good kind of dangerous for sure, thanks so much for saying that though. I guess I hate that I am having these thoughts and struggles, but it is better than not caring at all and just walking away. That will never happen, but like you said I don’t want to play church, or have this be as good as it gets. I have seen the other side, the side where I am walking in complete surrender to HIm. It is not easy, nor is it comfortable, but that is where I am called to be.
I guess in short, I just miss Him and I miss Jesus and I being tight. I long for that, not in an emotional way, just in a real walking growing relationship/he is my Lord and I am his servant sort of way.
Good blog Phil, thanks. As I get older, I notice the same thing. But I find I do need to resist the urge to live up to the past. Of course, we must always fight against apathy but I am different from the DTS student that I was in 1990. I have grown and changed. God has matured me. I have some wisdom (I need lots more). And like it would be strange for my 15 year old to relate to me the way my 5 year old does, God brings us through seasons of dynamic relationship.
I like that passage in 1 John 1…
12 I am writing to you, dear children,
because your sins have been forgiven on account of his name.
13 I am writing to you, fathers,
because you know him who is from the beginning.
I am writing to you, young men,
because you have overcome the evil one.
14 I write to you, dear children,
because you know the Father.
I write to you, fathers,
because you know him who is from the beginning.
I write to you, young men,
because you are strong,
and the word of God lives in you,
and you have overcome the evil one.
When I was a young man in Christ, I was ready to roll. At 40, I’m shifting from the warrior to the father. The time of the young person is great. It’s a time of strength and spiritual warfare. You’re all Luke Skywalker, totally green and running to the fight.
But a father leading many young people (who know they are strong and can defeat evil) multiplies his effectiveness. Doing justice is a radical worship. You’re totally turning into Yoda…who is way stronger than Luke but just looks different.
And in the scripture, it comes full circle. A baby knows he is loved by God. A young man fights with strength. And a father knows God in ever deepening ways.
At first, radical grace. Then, radical strength. And then, radical depth.
i’m glad you shared. thank you.
The force is strong with you Chris, I can sense it. Thanks bro.
I’m so glad you shared this Phil!
I am also striving right now to make it all about Him, both in personal and ministry life. I don’ understand why it is this hard.
Blesss you!